The Supporter

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Estimated Read Time — 20 minutes

"I want to be able to support somebody like so many people have supported me. Having been through, I feel like it all, I feel like I can be a really good listening ear."

When I was nine months old I had open heart surgery in New Orleans. My mom ended up moving down there because my dad was running from the law. He had a lot of DUI’s here in the state. My mom followed him out there, it didn't work out, surprisingly. He and my mom separated when I was two. My mom and I moved back to Utah and that was pretty much that. I saw my dad in the summers and Christmas, life was great. When I was eight, he got super addicted to painkillers because he had back pain. We took him to rehab and after that I was kind of f*****d. I didn’t know what was going on, it kind of stressed me out and I had gone to therapy every year since I was in kindergarten; so when that happened it was more severe. After that my dad stopped with the painkillers, but then he got very into alcohol and he drank all of the time, so every time I would go and see him I would come home early. I would make an excuse, “I was homesick” or whatever. I was super uncomfortable. There were times when the cops were called and it just wasn’t the best environment.

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Then when I was in 8th grade, I wrote a letter to my gym teacher. I was in therapy at the time and I said I was just going to end it all. I was going to get a knife. I was done. That gym teacher and I were really close so she reached out to the school counselor who reached out to my mom. Then my mom and I talked about it. We kind of worked it through and I just kept going to therapy. I went to a different therapist and me and my dad stopped talking.

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My dad and I didn’t talk for like seven years or something. Meanwhile, we changed my email, my phone number, everything so he just wasn’t in my life. I was focusing on myself and doing therapy. Then, when I was a senior in high school, I kind of realized that a lot of what I was feeling wasn’t okay. When I wrote that letter was about the same time that I started self-harming. I had been off and on self-harming for ten years and I had a boyfriend at the time. It wasn’t a good relationship, both of us were not mentally stable and it just wasn’t great. But he helped me realize that I wasn’t okay and that I needed help.

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I thought, “well okay I’m sad, I must have depression.” So I talked to my mom about it, which was really hard. Not that she didn’t want to talk about it, but I just have always been good at putting up a front and not focusing on it. I went to my family doctor, my mom called them and they said they would prescribe whatever. The thing was I didn't have depression, I am bipolar. When they put me on medication, the thoughts of doing all of this crazy shit turned into actions. I actually attempted suicide when I was a senior in high school. I was hospitalized for about a week. I got out of the hospital the day I was supposed to graduate, so I was in the van, my mom picked me up, I was doing my makeup in the van on the way to the graduation.

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I’ve been around a lot of different kinds of people and a lot of different situations. My dad was doing a lot of drugs and being an alcoholic, with my mom trying to help me and being a single mom until I was in 6th grade. That’s when she married my step dad and they had a couple kids. All of that divorce and remarriage, I have eight or ten grandparents or something. I always have to go back and count them. They are from all different walks of life. I’ve got Mormon grandparents. I’ve got super wealthy grandparents. I’ve got midwestern grandparents, I’ve got southern grandparents. Like, literally any type of American grandparent you can think of, I’ve got it. It’s definitely given me a lot of different perspectives on everything and I feel like that’s what helps me to be so open minded now because there are so many things that play into everybody’s character. If you’re raised super religious, obviously you’re going to have different views then someone who was homeless and doing drugs at 13.

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Now, I facilitate GED classes at a behavioral center with adults 18 and up, who mostly are court mandated to be there. Sometimes their families send them there or they decide to be there because they just want to get better. You’ve got every kind of person there.

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Being with people that will tell it to you straight just makes you a little bit more humble. My other job is a residential center for teenage boys. 13-18 year old boys and they’ll humble you really fast. My coworkers and I joke that if they refer to you as a b****, you know you’re doing your job well. That’s just how it is. So I’m their tutor as well, but I think that all of the life experience and all of the situations have really helped me to just help them out more.

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Beyond the titles I am given, I am someone who always looks for the good. I will fight for what is right and educate myself on things I haven't yet gained knowledge on.

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Everyone in my family contributed to the way I view the world around me. I don’t think there’s anyone that didn’t. I think there were some core moment’s for me when I learned that a person wasn’t who I thought they were because you get older and you start to see the true sides of people. I’m lucky to have a mom that was really understanding a lot of the time. When I was having panic attacks without realizing they were panic attacks, she would always be there to help me. You always hate your parents at times, but they always have been there for me. Even when I started talking to my dad again, he is the most stubborn person I have every met in my life, but he got three-quarters of the way to an apology. For him, that's a complete 180. I think my whole family plays a pretty big part in it.

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My brother and my sister are literally the reason why I’m here today. When I did attempt in high school, the reason why I stopped what I was doing was because I didn’t want them to find me. They were two and three at the time. It would completely mess them up for life if I went through with it. I didn’t want to do that. I thought my mom was a tough woman. She could handle it. My stepdad can handle it, but my sibling's were going to have to spend their whole entire life coping with it.

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When I was in kindergarten actually, We lived with this family and there was this girl that was in high school and I was in kindergarten. I went and got her for dinner one time and she had a vibrator and she showed it to me. It’s not bad in my head, it wasn’t scarring to me. I learned how to masturbate. That’s when I actually started going to therapy because when little kids start masturbating people think they're being sexually assaulted, especially girls. I was a highly sexual kid. I remember even then, watching movies and seeing a hot woman.

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My sexuality wasn’t ever anything that I thought was bad. I’ve never dated a girl. I’ve kissed girls and stuff. I for sure like girls, but as far as labeling it, it’s really weird for me to say because to me humans are humans. I’ve never not wanted to date someone or not wanted to kiss someone or not wanted to touch someone because they’re one versus the other. For me it doesn’t matter at all. It’s something that I’ve never thought about. I didn’t say it when I was younger, but if someone asked me I would say that I liked girls too. I just like people. I don’t feel the need to come out and say it to everybody. My mom knows. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately too of how you identify yourself. It’s weird that we have to specify that.

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Religion does not have much of an influence in my life. Religion, however odd, is something that some people need to keep going. Many people in my life would cripple without guidance from their God. I believe there are also people like myself who don't need that closure, and will do what they personally feel they need to do despite a God's instruction.

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My mom's parents are very much conservative. It’s really just all over the place. I remember one time calling my dad and telling him that I wanted to write a book about it not mattering who you love. That was the time that they were talking about gay rights and everything and I was pissed off. It was the stupidest thing to me. He said he would help me write the book. My dad was probably the more liberal of influences, for sure. My mom is more conservative, but in a weird kind of way. She doesn’t like Trump, but also she waited until marriage. She’s this weird cross breed of it really depends on the topic. She’s always been really open to hearing my thoughts and what I have to say.

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As far as political news, I guess I didn’t really think about it that much because I was constantly given so many different opinions that I wasn’t ever feeling that one way was more right than the other until I decided for myself. It's like if you have ten songs playing, you’re just taking them all in. Then when you start to decide what song you like and you go that route. That’s the only way I could probably describe that. I think that’s why I can appreciate people’s opinions. It’s also one of those things too that, there's no use arguing with somebody that’s just trying to argue. There’s not.

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I’m going to be completely honest, I have a really hard time with politics because a lot of my knowledge is from social media because I don’t seek out the information. 90% of what I know is bullshit because it’s from social media.

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I think the things that are important to me are just loving everyone. Peace and love. Those are my core values. This election, I wasn't even going to vote because I didn’t feel like I knew enough about either of these parties. I know what I stand for, but as far as those two. I don’t know.

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I am more of an "I believe what I believe" type person. I believe in equality. I believe we should love each other. I believe that we should reeducate ourselves and our youth. Since George Floyd, I have been trying my best to educate myself on a lot of things. I’m slowly learning how much I know is false, but I think that’s good. I believe we should have correct history. I think we should stop being assholes to people that look not white. It’s absurd to me. I’ve become a lot more political this year than I think I ever have before. I hope that progresses and I think I am around people who will help that progress and challenge that.

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At the end of the day, "love thy neighbor" right? If you’re a religious person, that’s rule number one. Be nice to each other and love each other.

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POLICE REFORM

I think our cops need more training 110%. My family was in a situation where my grandpa in his 60’s was taken down to the ground and spit on by a SWAT team member. My grandma was the mayor. That family was really known in the community, they’ve been there forever. They’re white and that happened. It’s not okay. It’s not an okay system if that’s happening to my wealthy white family.

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I look at the kids I work with and where they come from and it’s absurd. I know it’s so much worse. You see it on the news, but there's a lot of stuff we don’t see. There’s so much happening that we don’t hear about and that sucks. It breaks my heart. It makes me really sad knowing some of these boys that I work with have to go to a specific barber in town to get their haircut properly. Why is this not taught? Why don’t we know about proper history?

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I think the first thing that needs to happen is our cops need to get in check. They need more training. I don’t think they are necessary for the majority of calls. It doesn’t make sense.

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There are hundreds of memes that are like, “I’m a nurse and if I do this wrong I lose my job.” Why can't it be that simple? If I am working and I hit one of my boys, I am going to lose my job. That’s not okay. Simple. We’re taught certain restraints. There are boys that are two feet taller than me that I have to use these restraints on with just my hands, no weapons. It’s possible. It’s totally possible. I don’t have a taser. I don't have a gun and I deal with a high risk group. You need proper people to handle the situation and there’s plenty of people trained to do that too that are looking for jobs and underutilized.

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LGBTQ+ RIGHTS

LGBTQ+ rights are as important as any white man's rights. We are all human and deserve equal rights in every aspect. Despite your race, sexual orientation, or religious views.

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SOCIALISM

My knowledge is very minimal. I think we're in this time in the states where we should have more of a socialist community. We are way too divided. We hate each other way too much and the people who need the help the most can’t get it. I have a pretty well off family and I couldn’t afford my medication. Luckily, I was able to find other things that worked, but it’s messed up.

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I don’t like the phrase "equal playing field" because that’s not necessarily true. You’re always going to have people that are harder workers. You are always going to have people that are more wealthy because they knew about investing or something more but we need basic stuff. I think we need basic healthy care, if nothing else. We need something to help people pay for medications when they need it.

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